If it's not gonna work,

Let me know.

Let me know how failing we are.

Let me know all the trouble that I had caused you.

Let me know that you don't want me anymore.

Let me know how stupid I am.

Let me know that I am a jerk.

Let me know how much you used to love me.

Let me know how much you hate me.

Let me know that it's gonna linger forever.

Let me know that you never wanted to see me again.

Let me know that you loathe me.

Let me know.

It's totally okay.

My life is full of pain anyway, so why not add up to it?

All I See are Lines and Curves.

I woke up to the ringing of the phone. Mom. Alarm.

Yeah, I’ll get up to bed, I said. I did not.

I was staring at the ceiling, gazing at the lines.

Lines and curves that haunt me.

I got out of bed and dragged myself into the shower.

Someone played such an awful song.

I hurried to go out of the cubicle.

My general instruction was not to let these examinations ruin my day. Never.

I tried to open the book.

In a very little time, law of diminishing returns might tell me that it’s not good to study now.

More inputs, less outputs.

I went to school, walking against the stream of joggers in the human-car avenue.

I managed to avoid externalities. I managed to be just calm.

I read a bit again. Review. Or so I called it.

Walk in, walk in, they said. Walk in.

The room was rather too bright. Too peaceful.

In the middle of staring at the empty questions my eyes closed.

It wasn’t that hard, isn’t it, a colleague remarked.

Yeah, right, I said. Really.

Next one’s gonna come, I remembered.

I’m not ready.

I haven’t read anything good.

I haven’t tried to understand.

It was rather a big pain.

A big pain it was.

Migraine invaded me.

The calm look of before started to be terrorized by worry-lines.

I haven’t prepared for the curves.

Lunch.

We walked for lunch. Real lunch.

By the time we came back, there was no more time.

Scans, scans, scans.

I thought I need more time.

I realized I needed divine intervention.

It was time.

Walk in, walk in.

Once inside, abandon all hope.

The resonant trembling in my head paralyzed me in the chair.

It was rather not for thinking, but for dying.

Answer sheets. Questionnaires.

The cold air seemed to wage war with my awkward heat.

Fuck, what was that? How come I forgot to read this part before?

Firms. Competition.

Marginal. Fixed. Average.

Cost. Revenue.

My inside self went on searching.

Answers. Ideas. Correct ones.

There were hardly any.

I just wanted to explode into small pieces.

Oh how lovely.

Two hours passed and I was more awkward.

As awkward as ever.

The proctor playfully went to and fro the room.

He seemed to be entertained by our answer sheets.

I was trying to give him my don’t-try-to-look-at-me-or-even-go-near aura.

It failed.

Of course, I can’t cast it to him with my eyes.

I’m too busy trying to understand how things work.

Two and half hours.

I was dying to go out of the room.

It was rather hell.

Ten minutes before third hour.

I stood up. Gave my papers.

I wanted to show him my awesome get-off-me stare.

But I attempted to be as calm as ever.

I went out.

How I dreamed of banging the door.

How I wish I could just blame the proctor.

But I can never do that.

The marginal utility might not justify the marginal utility.

For quite a long while I have been so much of a lazy irresponsible person. It started this December, glorified itself during the holiday break, and kills me this January when the classes just came back.

Holiday break of Christmas and New Year's Day was all sleep, eating, and if not hours in the malls it'd be hours on the bed, either eyes open in front of a laptop playing the Sims 3 or in a vain attempt to log on to the internet or asleep and will then wake up with hands freaking out of only God knows what.

I had a lot of things to do then (that was extended until now). I don't know what to start. My whole body is painful everyday. I feel tired and sleepy everyday. How could I even do better with this? Argh.