Remedy.

I got the shock of my life waking up to know that I am still perfectly breathing, alive. I know I'm not ready to die. But then, I just wat to end all this depression. What.
I'm so glad that I still have a friend (yes, only one) who's concerned for me and all that.
Today is my roommate's birthday. I feel happy for him getting a lot of gifts and greetings. I NEVER got any gifts on my birthday. Never. And at most times I still have to shout out to the world that it's actually my birthday for them to realize how important it is for them to greet me a supposedly happy birthday. No sooner I'll be convinced that everything is simply fabricated.
But I still have hopes. I have the March to renew my life and in some way start anew and face all these depressing factors that are grinding me all out.
Starting March, I'm planning to be fit and spiritually active.
I plan to have five minutes of calming silence daily, for meditation and cleaning my mind. I plan to jog every Sunday and/or Monday and finally exercise for real. I plan to make a goal each day (probably wonderful tasks, like charity works). Actually, I am planning to be happy and finally be at peace. And I hope it'd work.

Death by chocolate.

I never knew until recently that Death by Chocolate is a kind of cake studded with lots of chocolates. I thought it was the literal one.

But I tried dying by chocolates.I ate a lot of chocolates. I might be simply normal but I actually find myself insane eating a whole pack of Flat Tops (almost 800 calories!) and almost finishing a box of Choco Mallows.

Some friends (well, all my friends aren't that many at all.) tell  me that it's simply normal and perfectly okay. But then, my paranoid self feels the disturbing heat inside my body and I wish I'd die the next day. How absurd it is but I really am just so upset (with my parents for making me feel like a fool or something else). I hate it. I wish I'd die away.

I just feel so betrayed.

This must be not real. I feel betrayed by my own parents.

It's not a real big deal, though. But the fact that you weren't told about this and that and they told you something else and they kept you hoping until forever until this absurd news came, it's just so unreal. No. No way.

And I now it's not a good idea, but I definitely want to fade away.

I want to fade away, like a bubble.

I want to probably die.

If onnly dying could erase it all and make it something good.

Up up and upset.

Fudge. I am so hating my life. I've been upset for the last few days and I haven't gone any better.

I'm not in the mood for any form of happiness. The hell. It's giving me the burns and the urge to actually KILL myself.

I want to eat more chocolates.

I want to die and fade away.

And it's all because of a cell phone. What.

And I don't think I want to ellaborate it just now. I might die of heart attack or high blood pressure.

I'm just totally upset. X(

Confessing shopaholic tendencies.

[Image removed because I "was not authorized to use the photo". Makes sense. Next time, I'm gonna use my photos and images.]

I just watched Confessions of a Shopaholic at SM City North Edsa and again, I went alone.

So this is supposed to be a movie review.

Thank goodness, Jerry Bruckheimer productions kind of made the movie faithful to it's book. But I wonder if Sophie Kinsella would ever be annoyed of the setting, which is in Manhattan (originally in London, with its sequel, Shopaholic Takes Manhattan, set in New York).  I doubt if a sequel would ever exist. (And the movie seems to make a large period in it.)

Rebecca Bloomwood, journalist and shopaholic, takes her life to an exhilarating adventure of ignoring credit card debts (not forgetting to mention that she possesses a total of 12 credit cards) and making up every possible excuse for it. As she goes on avoiding Derek Smeath, the bank's manager, she finds herself crossed with Luke Brandon, at her rising career in newfound Successful Saving magazine where, ironically, she gives advice to readers regarding financial issues. Suze, her best friend where she shares a flat with, keeps an eye on her shopaholic acts. It's a wild and hilarious story to keep you staring into that big silverscreen!

Now let's go to the me-side.

This has been one of the rare times I find myself going back home without any shopping bag at hand. All I had spent inside the mall was a Blizzard at Dairy Queen and the ticket for the movie. 

How come you're not even real?

There. One of my last photographs from my [broken] digital camera (which made me went too depressed, until now).

I'm the one in the middle (in case you don't know who I am). On the left is Dan and on the right is Gilbert. There's nothing special here. It's just that in Kalayaan Residence Hall (of UP Diliman), we are having a Wacky Day.

Yes. Consider me wacky, please. It's not actually something. (Others went into real costumes and crossdressing. I just went on "self-characterization".) 

Okay. So I tried putting another (non-related) photo but it did not work out. I can't figure out how to prevent uploaded photos going on the top of the entry.

Going back to the title, I just feel so sad. I mean, I've depressed, caffeinated, isleepless, penniless, and all that goes there. Mom even thinks I now have low blood pressure. Some friends think I have Hepatitis A. What the fudge.

But for a few days I feel odd. I feel somewhat sick. I feel warm inside and I just can't get any comfort. Whatever.

I don't know. I just want to cry this all out and leave everything up to nowhere.

Patience. Longing. Very Fast.

That's what I heard from Sam Y G, Slick Rick, and - it's taking me too long figuring out his name and I give up. I am again (after a long time of abstinence) is listening to Boy's Night Out. (Or was it Boys'?)

Whatever.

I am experiencing a mild headache. Well, it's not that bad but it's something worse than actually having your tooth pulled out to disturb the hell out of me. And just like in my Filipino blogsite, I choose to end this short.

*end*

p.s. Very fast. Haha.

Turn of the whirlwind.

FUDGE.

I guess I should be settling to N79. I'm still not sure but reviews say it's better, if not best. http://www.esato.com/phones/index.php/phone=408,cp=321 and http://www.phonegg.com/compare/24/Nokia-E51-vs-Nokia-N79.html

Surprisingly, I found two sites specifically battling the two smartphones: E51 (my current choice) and N79 (another great option - and better, as it seems).

It's not that it just seems to be, but they are actually saying that N79 is better than E51. Besides, E51 was released 2007 and N79 was just like released last year. But I want to be certain about this. I don't want any other mistake in choosing a phone for me. (And I really don't like LG KU250 that my father gave me - without my consent.) But still I think it's a good choice as long as it is Nokia, and on the Nseries or Eseries line. Well I wish.

That silly reason of nothingness.

Who says we like to hear your reason?

(Oh, by the way, your reason isn't even rational. How nice.)

Alright. So this post is NOT a rant. Haha. ^^

It's just that I'm too lame and whatsoever right now.

In fact, I feel every pressure right now. Hahaha. ^^

Wait. This post is becoming too personal, I think. (Or when have I always been neutral in blogging? Haha.)

If you can see it, this post says nothing at all. I don't even have a reason to post this thing. Haha. What. Fudge.

Oxidizing big bird.

From where I am sitting, I could clearly hear words of boys memorizing concepts and more concepts for Chemistry. What a life. Actually, they're bringing the hell out of me. I'm not in the mood for any noise - especially noise that's academically inclined.

Now let's talk about someone. Not her. But someone that makes my face so bad whenever I see this guy: Big Bird. I'm not in the mood to bring down my mood but fine; I just want to be more depressed today. Going back to my suggested topic, Big Bird is obviously a name I substituted for his real name. (And I don't know his name, even how much I do see him everyday.) I hate his face. (Yes, literally.) We never talked, and I never knew him but I just hate his face. Maybe there's something in his sleepy eyes that's irritating to me. Or maybe it's his peculiar neck (long enough to really remind me of Big Bird). It really makes me hate him by the way he slowly turns and looks at me with a sudden stare that says, "Die, jerk." and of course, I do hate it. Okay, you can say that I have this disliking for people I do not know and I have never talked to, but then it's really how I feel. I know it's absurd, but always give room for absurdity. Fudge.

Monochrome Music.

It's one in the morning and I'm still awake. I chose to wake up (and surf the net while using my Smart Bro) to listen to the final instalment of the UP Fair for this year: Meant FAIR Each Other. I just got alive when I heard Soapdish's Tensionado just recently. Now I love the song, for real.

I am now using Google Chrome. I'm just trying to check it out, and now I guess I'm going to replace Mozilla Firefox for this.

And now I finally switched my internet connection from 3G/HSDPA Smart Broadband connection to DILNET, UP Diliman's free internet connection. It's just that my 60 pesos worth of broadband load was all spent for three hours. And I'm not even studying. Fudge. (I love saying that sweet word.)

I don't have any plans, actually. It's just that I'm wasting all my time off because I am obviously in a state of depression. I kept telling my father about the thought of buying me a new cell phone. It all started because my phone isn't simply enough to satisfy my musical needs. I originally wanted an iPod but my father thought that it'd be efficient if I would be bought a music phone. Of course, I have MY standards.

My standards for my ideal phone (for today's time) are:

- expandable memory

- long battery life

- high quality music player

- fm radio

- not folding

- not sliding

- Wireless LAN enabled

- Nokia

And I found all of these in one phone, worth 13 thousand pesos or so: E51. There's a bonus: it's a business phone. Wow. I so love this. I MUST have this phone. I don't care about its incompetent camera feature. All I need is what is on my standard. And E51 really met that up. It's my DREAM.

The problem is that we are just a mediocre family with mediocre financial status. My father always brings up the thought that we had a high amount of debt to be paid, due to my digital camera that was bought last October. In fact, he even had the nerve to say that he'll buy me the phone by October this year. What the fudge! How long would I wait for October? That's like waiting for another semestral break! I indeed do not like that idea.

Okay. So I'm really materialistic. It's just that I want the ideal things with me. Of course I need to listen to music sometimes, especially that my life is degrading down into the state of being idle and bore. Arf. I hope we were rich. Or I hope that we simply can afford to buy a new E51 for me.

Collective Hallucination.

I gave up on watching Boyce Avenue by 5 in the afternoon. And I kind of regretted it. By the time I finished buying some things (hair conditioner, bath soap, pancit canton for the whole sunday food storage, and a cup of Jjampong) and bought myself a very fulfilling box of brownies bar (worth 40 pesos), I decided to take the ride home, without even having the nerve to peek at what's going on at SM's The Block. I know they're going to be there, Boyce Avenue, but I really cancelled the big plan off. (There's still them tomorrow at the Megamall, but I have no money for real.) There's no way I am gonna watch them. Fudge.
By the time I entered the jeepney, I hitted someone hard on the head - something you could actually call a headbang - and it really hurt. Of course, it went off though. I was actually damn depressed by that time that I even had a minute of sobbing by the time I reached home. There's just no room for a small streak of happiness. Happiness, however, is simply a collective hallucination.
After I satisfied myself with a sweet bar of brownies (of course, brownies are actually sweet but at times they're just too bitter for me), I eventually slept. I had lots of waking hours (and should I still say that I almost have not slept at all?) so I was kind of losing my energy - and motivation.
I took a nap. It was indeed a nightmare. I found myself in a supermarket, and in my mind I assumed that it was in Robinson's. Well, it doesn't look like it, but it's simply what my mind thought of. So, getting to the nightmare part, someone wearing a tundong (probably a Muslim), were to attack me with a knife or some other sharp tool for stabbing. I was in a rush, and I suddenly woke up with a migraine. It was 18.14 on my clock. Geez, I slept for long (which means that I might find it hard sleeping tonight). Fine, at least I got some sleep to energize myself. But it was different. I woke up dizzy. It was different, though. And I just find it absurd being dizzy from sleeping. What a life it is.

Segregating tomato hearts.

Today is Valentine's Day, a day where couples and lovebirds are as ubiquitous as fastfood chains and street children. You may find a couple liplocking at a bench facing the Manila Bay on today;s beautiful sunset, or see another couple holding their hands strolling on the mall. They might even try eating one string of spaghetti together, until they eat it up sealed with a kiss. You can find them in hotels, motels, inns, lodges, and even at remote grasslands, doing the thing at their own pace in every position possible. Everywhere there are lovers; lovers are everywhere.
However, it's NOT their day. *evil laugh*
Today is Single Awareness Day. (Never mind the way it is commonly shortened.) Today is day of those singles who have their days cold. Actually, lovers are sent out everywhere on this day to feel that they should have been single at all. At the end of the day, they'll realize the high bliss that could only be attained by being single. By the next day, there will be those enlightened who will break up with their lovers (or maybe they'd break up today, who knows?) and will eventually receive the nirvana of single blessedness. Nevertheless, those who stay single will know once again their importance to the society and to the world (ever heard of Singapore's economy?) and then might even replace the Overseas Filipino Workers as the heroes of our nation. How great that could be, right?
So stay single, and you can put a ring on it. ^^

Devolution of a daydream.

Apparently, this is my first post for this blogsite. By now I do have four blogsites (on my Blogger account) and two of them are the ones that I chose to actually maintain (this one and its twin (but older) brother on the Filipino language. I might as well abandon these sites after a short time of existence (yes, I am indeed insatiable) but I hope that I could even make these sites last for years. Maybe perhaps I should abandon these sites when I reach graduation. Wow.
As I have said earlier, this blogsite and the earlier blogsite are twins. Just notice how similar the wordings of the gadgets and the layout are. And as you can see, I created this site on Valentine's Day. Thinking about this blogsite was all of a sudden (I just thought about this last February 12.) and all that was left on my fantasies was to manage to create it on Valentine's Day. (And I will talk about Valentine's Day a bit later, or on my next entry.)
Last night, I attended again another UP Fair event. (I already attended Rambol, the Thursday installment of the fair.) That is where I took the photograph of the ferris wheel (the banner). Thinking of the ferris wheel as a banner wasn't planned, though. So maybe sometime later I might actually change the title of my blogsite and its banner. However, I wish I could reduce this sensation of dissatisfaction. Why of course, the human species is generally insatiable, and it sucks too, in some way.
Now I guess I did have another daydream come true. This blogsite, something produced from simple thoughts in the middle of a concert night, finally came into being (in a few hours). Another achievement, another something to keep on going.