Better Half.

I remember the frustration-stricken days of my high school, where everything felt so dark and gloomy, where everything seems to be conspiring, where everything makes me feel alone. It was an era of sadness, of the most obscure emotions, of maximum volume radio played with burned CDs of alternative rock, times in the room pretending to study hard but all I did was shout and cry, constantly praying to God that this ill feeling of extreme loneliness would go off.

It's not that I don't have any friends. I have a lot. Ever since gradeschool I have a lot of friends, people who walk in and walk out. It's just that I had no companion, no one to talk to about my own problems, my own things I'm concerned of and bothered about. All I was, was just to simply be a confidant, a good listener, a drain of everything friends of mine have poured into. I was just a vent.

But none of these friends, not a single one of them, listened to my own troubles, comforted me of my own worries, joined me in my own unfortunate quests. Neither of them knew what I was going through, because nobody asked, nobody noticed, and perhaps nobody cared. Perhaps I was just a piece of blank paper everyone had written on, making me who they want me to be, who they need me to be for the moment.

The reasons for the tears were those. All my life, as it had probably seemed to be at least for me, I have been wanting to have a companion, a best friend, a brother, or perhaps a twin. I was looking for that friend who will walk in and for the first time in my life will be concerned for me, will notice my troubles, will listen to my problems, will help me get through it, perhaps everything I could also drain myself into. Perhaps I've been looking for everything my friends were making me into, perhaps I was looking for another me, for me.

Now I think I haven't got through with this problem, but rather I got along with it. It's something I might just have to live by, not as a miserable fate but as a identity-creating trait. Probably it's just gonna come, as what a lot of people would helplessly and mindlessly say, or probably it's just gonna stay as it is and remain a wish forever.

Whatever it may be, I think for now I just want to get along with my friends and discover more who could just listen to me and all that. Sometimes they can be annoying but there are extraordinary times that come more often than what's supposed to be ordinary, then some friends simply become my confidants, probably one of my super friends, seem to be a brother, perhaps a twin, a better half of me. And I guess I'll just have to live with that, for the moment. But still a part of me wishes for the same damn thing that has remained to be a wish, a silent murmur within me, since the old days of loud alternative music and sobbing in the room, covered up by my pillows in solitude mourning for my own fate.