I guess I just wanted to be a little bit romantic.

I had this self-proclaimed Abolition of Lovelife Week. I don't know exactly why I did this on purpose, I mean, I think I don't have to. Or maybe it is just the aftermath of a week-long anger mode.

But then again, as this week ended, I realized that I wanted to fall in love - well, again, for this matter. I'm not so sure if I wanted to be hurt or something. I just wanted to.

Maybe it's some sort of searching for a lighter mode, especially after cloaking myself into a dark cloth of angst, a wage of war against everything.

This is totally weird.

I'm not liking any girls again, not yet.

I think I'm way too picky, or something. I always had problems with other people's attitudes, and maybe that's the way I should be. I have my own and I just don't reach an equilibrium point with others. Oh please.

I'm kinda crushing on this friend of mine that I've been seeing in slow pulses. Surprisingly, she's mature and fine - but only when we're alone together. In the presence of others, her childish side can at every way be irritating. (And I hate children, remember?) So maybe I just have to wait.

But I feel like I've been left behind. People I know are slowly having partners (which I know will leave you, let's see) and I'm left in this solitary world bitter in life and filled with dying hope. God, why can't I just simply fall in love?

In the darkness of the dawn.

I was born, seventeen years ago, in a white room. I came out of my mother's womb fully naked, wet in blood. I was born without speech, except for some wails that I have no idea of what it was or what it was for. I was born without the proper thinking, careless, carefree. I was born, taken out from in between my mother's legs, a time of great pain.

Now I am seventeen, and no matter how bright things appear, darkness surrounds me. Now I am fully clothed, barely wet. Now I can speak three or four languages, always in the best attempt to understand what I was listening or saying. Now I can ponder, though anxious, insecure. Now I'm searching what was between one's legs, a time of great pleasure.

Why don't you know?

I have this hateful feeling. I feel it everytime this certain person comes around. Right now we won't speak to each other. I wouldn't even care turning my head to see you. I wouldn't even try to open my mouth and say a word to you. I wouldn't care batting an eyelash on your new shirt. I wouldn't care.

It's just that I couldn't help hiding in my room crying.

I feel like I'm such a big dork.

I am. I hate being that.

IT just ain't me. Or it's not what I wanted myself to be.

I hate it.

I hate your eyes. I hate your hair. I hate your lips. I hate your cheeks - your cratered cheeks, remember. I hate you ears. I hate your neck, and the necklace you wear it with. I hate you, I guess.

But that doesn't mean that I'm over you. I do wish I was. Sometimes I think I am. But everytime I tell myself I'm over you I become more convinced that I'm not.

We're not friends. Who were you fooling, then? How come you can still say we were? There's no us. There's no friendship.

Nothing. Not anymore.

I know you know that I keep on screwing it up. But I wish you realized that you're not the world. I realized that earlier on the way. You're not the world. If something is discouraging, it is. I as a friend wouldn't care turning a discouragement into its opposite. Life isn't that way. I'm grown with that fact. You made me believe it.

Thank you for not caring. That's just all I needed to counteract what I wanted. I may keep on wanting you to care about me but it's not it. It won't be real. It won't matter.

Perhaps as to others I may say 'later', with you I'd be glad to say 'goodbye'.

Let's go home.

It's Thursday noon.
I have to go to Pasig tomorrow. (Oh no!)
By Saturday I'll be HOME.
But then I might be idle, for sometime.
And I just do hope that my plans and wishes may come true. I do.

Mutual II

He stares at his face - as they both lay beside each other, filling the bed that was neither big for one nor small for two. It's dawn. He woke up because he felt the numbing of his arm, to where the other man lays his head. Josh must be glad, then. The feeling is mutual.

It already happened before; it can't happen once more. Eric, still asleep, draws away his hand from Josh's. Josh had lost his sleep, his silent slumber. This feeling intoxicates him more, more than what it was before. And in the silence he remembers.

"Why'd you move your hand away?" Eric asked Josh as he grabbed back his hand. Josh just smiled and kissed Eric.

"Will you love me?" Eric asked Josh. Silence fell. Josh wanted to say 'yes' but something holds him back. "Because I do," Eric continued, "We'll take long walks together, holding each other's hands, and in the lamplight we'll stare at each other's eyes, letting our heartbeats make the music."

Josh fixed his glance at Eric. Eric's eyes were too difficult to decipher. All Josh knew was that he savored that very moment, where every motion felt to be so right, that nothing can take them away from each other, that no society can misjudge their relationship and them as individuals.

He plays Eric's hair, exploring his head wishing to uncover the mysteries that lie with its thoughts. Josh's fingers travel across his face, his left ear, his nose, his lips. Josh nears his own head, slowly and carefully. Then he locks his lips to Eric's.

It was like Sleeping Beauty, though it only was the opposite of it. Eric wakes up, eagerly avoids Josh's lips. The kisser is astonished, confused.

"Get off!" Eric commands while grabbing his own clothes from the floor.

"You told me you love me and now you don't!" Josh excalims, "What now, Eric? What's wrong??"

"This," Eric says as he gets up, "is wrong! What will they think of you?"

"That, the society?" Josh says, "Ha! Nonsense! You freed me from the entrapment!"

"I don't love you anymore!" Eric says, "How many times will you need to absorb that?"

BANG. Josh buries his face, in his blooded hands, sobbing.

In two weeks.

I'll be home in two weeks' time. Yey for that!

Oh I just can't wait any longer to go home.

But first, I'd tell you about what happened in the last two weeks.

27 September, Sunday - It was Joshua John Bautista's birthday, and I forgot to greet him. Typhoon Ondoy (international name Ketsana) wrecked Metropolitan Manila and some parts in Luzon since the day before. Floods everywhere were knee-high, chest-high, two-storeys high. It was a very devastated scenario, with billions of pesos worth in damages. This day I went to the mall (it was sunny, and it was as if the roads weren't flooded) and just went there. I can't remember if I bought something specific (apparently, I'm writing this entire post today). I was pissed off. Well, someone pissed me off. And I was dumped. Totally. But the piss-off part went away, though. It seems that when you finally let it out of your chest, you can finally let it go away.

28 September, Monday - It was my sister's birthday, and she's now 24 years old. Wow. Classes were suspended for what - a week! Heaven heaven, eh? It was also Collen Faye Puspus' birthday. She's now 17.

29 September, Tuesday - I could not remember. Oh, I just did. It was Ranel Irvin Toledo's 18th birthday. He treated us (his barkada with me along) at Yellowcab Pizzeria at U.P.-AyalaLand TechnoHub. Then we had more fun time at Timezone. It was totally fun, superb. Really.

30 September, Wednesday - It was Archie Jerome Maramag and Conrad Miguel Gozalo's birthday. There. As if they treated me. Not. Haha.

01October, Thursday - The wood supporting my bed got broken. This day we went to the Church of the Risen Lord to volunteer for the victims of typhoon Ondoy. It was spearheaded by the University Student Council and Sagip Isko. I was with Ranel Irvin Toledo, Colleen Faye Puspus, and Eladio Anino V. When we got there, we were instructed to go to the Barangay Hall of Barangay U.P. Campus, then we were blown away to Barangay Bagong Silangan, Quezon City to survey the affected communities. There we walked for miles - okay, maybe some kilometers only. We have seen the affected communities and have heard their stories. The scenario was heartbreaking, and highly alarming. We walked on burak (mud mixed with trash) and went to the boundary of Quezon City and San Mateo, Rizal. It was too far to say. When we reached back at the dorm, we were already dead-tired and craving for Jollibee. Then we remembered that it was Mary Rose Johana Samas' 18th birthday when she went down and gave us some Brazo de Mercedes cake. Yum yum! Since I seem to be unable to sleep in my own bed, I have to ask my friend to let me sleep in his room.

02 October, Friday - I can't remember what I did today. It was Mark Robert Baldo's birthday. There.

03 October, Saturday - It was Brielle Shane Flores and Cyrielle Claire Machan's birthday. Typhoon Pepeng changed its course and spared the places that were struck by typhoon Ondoy. Regarding my day, I can't remember what I did too.

04 October, Sunday - I went to SM City North Edsa and was totally bored that I brought myself a new shirt that was way too small for me. What. And, was this the day that Pinoy Big Brother Double Up started? Ugh. People are so whatever, enjoying watching humans-turned-hamsters whatever. Ugh. So annoying.

05 October, Monday - It was my last meeting in CWTS1-Anthro. There.

06-09 October - Can I not talk about this stuff? They're all the same (or I'm getting tired of doing this stuff.)

10 October - I slept all day. I went to SM City North Edsa supposedly to buy food stuff, and I had a very hard time hailing a taximeter cabriolet by night. Right now people are watching that PBB thing and I'm so annoyed at them making fun of those in the house who are making fun of themselves. What. Oh. Haven't I told you yet about the people in the house? Ugh. Very stereotypical. Before they enter, they were already given their 'brand' names. For example, one is branded as the hunk of this place, the funny girl of that, and whatsoever. They were given a very specific part of their identity. People, we are complex beings, okay? We won't be hunks nor good-hearted forever. What were you guys thinking? Trying to sell people?

In the next two weeks (apparently before I go home), it'd be a big whoa of winds. Next week will be my hell week. The other will be my free week (which may entail hell too since I might not be maintaining my money that time).

As you can see, this week's schedule is up there. I can't find a way on how to make that thing go here. Oh well.

I'd be flying back home by 24 October, 7.00 in the morning. I'd be riding on a Philippine Airlines Airbus. Oh I can't wait to go home. Sure enough, a lot of things had changed and/or added in the city. Robinsons' Place General Santos opened last 02 October and I just can't wait to see it. Oh well. I'll be home, for sure. I love it. :D

If we're all for love, how come there are foridden ones?

I don't know why we love. I don't know why there are forbidden ones. I hate this society. I hate this society for being so oppressive and -.

Elaborate it later. Promise.

God, bless me - with all the love I need right now.

I don't know.

There's nothing to expect. There's nothing to hope for. We both know that and we know it's totally unnecessary. It could have been too late or so. But the moment that the truth was told, and if we chose to direct the path towards that, nothing can happen. We already both know that, before everything went along.

I know it's not wrong, yet you totally believe it's not right. Or maybe you're just trying to protect me or so. It hurts, either way, and the pain lingers. But I can't hold onto it for so long. I'll let you go, along as I let go of this feeling. It wouldn't be easy.

I love you. Don't worry, it won't last long. It might entail a lot of pain, but trust me, I can let it all fade away.

I want to thank you. I want to thank you so much for all that we've been through, for everything. I know it's lame but thank you very much. This has been a long night, and indeed I felt better.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for being this. I can get through this, wait for me.

And I hope we're happy with what's going to happen.

God, please give me someone else to love. I need it right now. :D

We'll be taking chances, then.

It's floating, this insane feeling. It's floating, perhaps like a feather blown by the unintentional wind to nowhere. I don't know. I don't even know where it's going. It's that difficult.

Probably we'll be taking chances, on whatever that'll happen. It's that difficult.

Would it be a worth it choice? We'll never know. But yes, we'll be together along the way. And I hope it'll last until the very end. Oh just wishful thinking.

We'll take chances. We will.

Mutual I

She lies alone in her bed, reaching her pillows while staring at her phone. In it was a message - a message that a lot of people had been wanting to receive, had been dying to get. It was a message that caused her to smile for so long. She knew it. Finally. The feeling is mutual.

She touches herself, bit by bit. Nobody knew what was going on, what was between them, what they were doing on the night her parents left for Macau. She herself cannot confirm such feelings then. To her it was not odd, but rather it was peculiar. She was uncertain of what it really was, of why it was happening, of how it was occuring to her. She then feels her own lips with her fingers.

She pants slowly. She takes every breath, every part of that beautiful memory, into her as if nothing else would come next. She closes her eyes and tries to visualize that night.

It was dark in the room with only the light of the laptop screen flickering across the two faces that are in front of it, one staring closely at the screen and the other gazing at her.

"Stacey, what are you looking at? Something in my face?"

Stacey grips Anne's face with both hands. She brings it near hers. It was a combination of sudden and slow. They both look into each other's eyes until they close their eyelids at the same time. Stacey places her lips on Anne's. Anne for a second opens her eyes in surprise. She closes it again and savors the moment, as Stacey's fingers travel across Anne's body.

Suddenly, Anne pushes Stacey away from her. It was done. She realized it when it was late. She pushed Stacey even more, putting the latter in a state of shock, then she fled the room and fled the house.

Her fantasy ended when her phone rang. One message from Anne. She impatiently opens it.

"Oh, I'm sorry. The message wasn't for you. Please don't take it seriously. It'll never happen again."

It was wrong. The feeling was false. It wasn't mutual at all.

She gets up in bed. She grabs the blade that rested in her table.

The lights went off.

Terminal: a place where it starts, and where it stops.

Remembering the "then" times, I found my old notebook of fiction and then it made me miss writing stories. Perhaps I'll be back again into it when I get into it.

"We won't go together now. It's time to part ways, Empress," Dane took his bags and stood up. It was some other day, except that people are too busy going everywhere.

"I'm afraid," Empress said.

"Don't," he replied, "Please, don't."

"I'm afraid that you'll never tell me."

"That I love you," Dane stared into her eyes.

"You won't. You never did. You never will."

"I'm sorry. I'm leaving," he turned away, "Goodbye."

"How could you -"

"I'm sorry."

Empress was already sobbing. She watches Dane walk away slowly, slowly towards the departure area. The prince of time gripped the hourglass strongly, almost crushing the glass preventing the sands go down the next ventricle.

"You told me you'll never leave me!"

"That was," Dane said in a whisper, "when things haven't changed yet."

"You told me that you'll be with me when I needed you the most!" Empress shouted, kneeling on the floor, "Dane, I need you!"

"I'm sorry."

Dane stopped walking. He still took a good hold of his bags, not as the spectators in the terminal expect him to drop them. Tears came out of his eyes, which is very rare to happen, though.

Then he utters, "I'm sorry, Empress. I loved you."

It was too soft to hear. He continued on walking. It was a walk as if he was very tired, molto stanco. Someone ran to Empress and helped her stand up from crying hard.

"Daniel, if you won't be responsible for her, I will," James said, "From now on I won't be hesitant to take care of the one I love!"

In his mind, Dane says 'shut up.'

"What a fool are you? You can't just let her go like this. Don't you think you're lucky enough to be loved?"

"Shut up."

"Don't you realize that a lot of people weren't loved by the people they loved?"

"Shut up."

"I could have envied you, Daniel. I could have envied you!"

"Die, James. Die. Now."

"Go away! Leave!" Empress commanded.

"What?" Dane speaks, in his mind.

Daniel added more footsteps and more teardrops. James hugged Empress tight. "Don't cry, I'm here now."

Dane fades away from the glass door. Empress falls into James' shoulder, into slumber. She becomes a child, into the arms of someone she had constantly rejected, but of who she had no choice but to withstand and/or fall in love with.

Does this mean I'm not doing good at all?

There was no sign. Or I suppose there was, it was just that I wasn't paying attention to it much at all. Or maybe I didn't care. Whatever, whichever way, I do not know.

I do not know why most people prefer other people to be certain, dead point certain. What's with certainty that makes them satisfied, after all this commotion?

I don't like certainties, I guess. Or only most of the times, it is. Then maybe certainty hated me by then, giving me uncertainties to live by. There's no point at all. Who wants to know what is bound, what is changeable? What's the reason for attempting to straighten out things, to follow a plan, to obey rules? What is the absolute? What is not? What do we need? What do we not need?

Argh.

This is only an attempt to strike through philosophy. I know. I don't have that organized mind much. I need to improve my thinking.

Short.

Finally, I've decided to create a blog post after a very long and silent while.

To give you an idea how busy and stressed and mobile I was, I'd only tell one thing: I haven't slept right for the last four or five weeks - that long enough. I know it's bad. I know. And I totally swear (to the nth thime, mind you) that I'll be sleeping early starting this Monday. I do totally hope for that.

This is so failing.

Okay. I give up.

The proxy server in the University of the Philippines Diliman is so strict when it comes to videos (and music and porn, yeah yeah).

Agh. I have to wait until five in the afternoon to view and download the videos that we have watched yesterday (just because I need to watch them again and listen to them very very closely. Oh well. Flop morning.

I'm here at the first floor of Gonzales Hall (a.k.a. Main Library), General Reference Section. I have no breakfast yet. The only thing I consumed was a combo of Tuna on Pan de Sal and some gulps of water. I need to eat a power breakfast, I know. But I woke up late enough to miss it.

I'm supposed to go to Palma Hall now and stay there for a while. I can't go home (or dorm, for proper terminologies) yet with an empty stomach. Neither way with an empty wallet (yeah, bingo). I know. It's hard. But this is my life. If I can't live with it, then what's the purpose? :D

Say one last prayer.

I don't get it.

Is it for the sake of being too real enough or just for the selfish cause of flaunting it to the world?

I just simply find it absurd praying to God - through status updates in Facebook. I mean, what are those for?

God isn't exclusively on Facebook or somewhere else, so I don't get the reason for doing such an act.

I just hope that it's not for the sake of letting the whole world know that you, yourself, does such an act, an act to seem overly religious or something else.

People of the world, we need HUMILITY, okay?

She's sensitive and insensitive at the same time.

She never realized it.

She was only a face placed on cheap pedestal.

She was overly proud of it.

She was excessively proud about it.

She had seen nothing else except herself.

She was the only relevant thing known to her own.

She was another stupid mortal.

She was even lesser than some low-life being.

She was nothing.

She was definitely nothing.

She only cared for herself.

She thought she could be hurt, while hurting others.

She never was concerned.

She never tried to be a friend.

She only used.

She thought it was okay.

She thought she could get over me.

She only thought about herself, I tell you.

She's a fool trying to make a fool out of someone else.

She never realized it.

She's not the world.

She doesn't get it.

She won't, of course, for she had that precisely defined mind of an excessive person (excessive to where, that is).

She can't love herself.

She can't appreciate any other thing except for her excessive self.

She can't be true, how we wish.

But she is.

And she has not realized it.

No, not yet.

She must not live.

She must not live in this world so we can attain harmony in living with other - and nicer - people.

She's not nice, of course. Who was she trying to fool?

She can't get it.

She's going to rot.

She must.

She's just a face - a rotten one - that must join the other decayed creatures below the ground.

Goodbye, overly proud girl.

I hope you can make yourself more believable, and in every way nicer.

Sensibility.

I'm not supposed to be.

Should I even wonder why I am existing?

Okay. It's complex as always and I don't even care to lift an eyebrow about it.

Or maybe it's too complex for others just because they won't care to lift a brain about it.

Or maybe it's just that.

Simple as that.

We humans are made to disagree with each other.

Don't you get that?

No, you don't? See.

It's odd.

It is.

Oh well. This is actually a senseless post. So why even care?

Besides, nobody cares. It's all a matter of self. We only care for ourselves and what we want for ourselves that we're not seeing the bigger picture that's postered just in front of us.

Oh well. As I said, this is senseless.

And you don't get it.

Don't pretend. You're not sensible. You're not sensitive. You're not the you that you want you to be.

Don't you get it? It's that simple.

It's that simple.

I don't expect you to freak out.

I expect you to be hurt - to be hurt by your elevated state of false pride, a pride that you hold on too much that it's more important than your health, your body, you.

Why do you hold on too much on such an abstract social construct?

Doesn't it hurt you to be just you, the you who you are now, the you who you truly are?

Slap yourself and wake up from your sleep. Wipe those morning glories away.

Look at the world.

It's not you.

It's not me.

The world is the world itself, and it doesn't give a damn.

The world doesn't care at all.

I already warned you: this is a senseless post.

UPD became Central Park by noon.

The Bike Lane - or the Lane Bike, as it is read - was on vacation for two days, starting yesterday.

To those who have not known, the University of the Philippines College Admission Test (UPCAT) had started yesterday morning and ended this afternoon in four batches.

This noon - or it was before noon, in fact - it took me an effin' hour to hail a passenger-less taxicab. "[It's] Worth a million every five cars!", my friend Mary Rose Johana Samas have said. Noontime - UPCAT day - is dreadful. It really took me ages to get out of campus. What's up with that?

Oh well. We still hope for the best for the aspiring.

Another UPCAT saturday.

A new set of hopeful - and hopeless - examinees, faces of excitement and despair, and with no. 2 pencils at hand, withstood the deathless rain in Metro Manila just to take the 2009 University of the Philippines College Admission Test (UPCAT) in an attempt to secure their admission to college next year in the sole national university in the country. Of course, being as it is, the entrance exam for the University of the Philippines isn't just some easy couch. It's a test of hard stones and mind-breaking questions. Some may even have to undergo a series of reviews just to prepare for it.

Thousands of senior high school students across the archipelago took a chance today, the first day of the UPCAT, with one batch in the morning and another in the afternoon. UP Diliman roads today were filled with vehicles, private outnumbering passenger ones - which made us walk from Molave Residence Hall up to Philcoa. It was all traffic. Damn.

UPCAT takes much time, for aspiring examinees and regular people trying to go out of campus. Oh well. After all, it's a mixture of luck, intelligence, and strategy. For those who are taking the examinations tomorrow, I wish you all good luck! See you on the list, aspirant. We hope for a new outstanding and deserving set of freshmen next year! :D

The bottom line, Cory, and Rodic's.

I just checked out my blogsites and I realized how low I was in managing all three sites: Ang Pilit na Pag-abot sa Mataas na Kalangitan, Lost in Disturbing Tranquility, and Under Different Perspectives. I have not been posting too much. But I felt like I have been posting too little entries. Oh well, how would I know if someone's reading, by the way? That doesn't matter much. I know, sometime, somewhere, it will.

It's the first day of August. Former president and People Power Icon Corazon "Cory" Cojuangco-Aquino, wife of assassinated senator and opposition leader Benigno "Ninoy" Aquino, died this morning, at age 76. She was announced dead by 03.18 in the morning, Manila time, due to Cardio-Respiratory arrest. She was earlier diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer and was battling the disease for months. Now let's be assured that she can finally rest in peace.

However, yesterday, 31st of July, Rodic's Diner celebrated their 60th anniversary. A classic and popular dining place in the University of the Philippines Diliman, situated at the UP Shopping Center, Rodic's Diner has now been also popular in Makati, being situated in Salcedo Street, Legazpi Village. Tapsilog, a dish comprised of shredded tapa (beef), sinangag na kanin (fried rice), and piniritong itlog (fried egg), has become a bestseller, being the most ordered dish in the establishment. My personal favorites are their Jumbosilog (Jumbo Hotdog with Sinangag and Piniritong Itlog), Sinigang na Baboy (Pork... I can't translate sinigang!), and Liempo (Roast Pork something... I'm not good at explaining food.).

This month, August, means Buwan ng Wika (Month of Language) in the Philippines. It is expected that most schools, especially primary and secondary, will celebrate this month long celebration, along with the celebration for president Manuel Quezon, who established Filipino, a language largely based on Tagalog with some words from different local languages, as the official language of the Philippines, along with English.

They just want to blame.

Everyone just love to blame me for everything. Thanks for that.

I'm too tired, too depressed, and too frustrated, okay? So please don't add up.

This is total stress week. I've been having a well-maintained head-breaking migraine for almost two weeks already. And I totally destroyed my sleeping habits. Whatever happened to my 22.30 curfew every night (not excluding weekends to that)? This is in some way a failure. I know I'm getting there. But still, there's always time to steer away from it.

I just need more time. I mean, extra time - aside from the standard twenty-four hours of a single day. God, can you give me more time, please? :D

Oh. I got a lot of things to do. Perhaps a mountain of things to accomplish. Currently I'm looking up at Italian verbs - and by the way, simultaneously plurking, multiply-ing, facebook-ing, and blogging here. I don't know what's going to happen with my life. I need more energy, more motivation, and yes, more sleep. So to start again the good life, I expect myself to be fast asleep by 23.00 tonight. I wish for that.

Meanwhile, I must motivate myself to finish my reaction paper to the last State of the Nation Address of President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. (I was absent at my Political Science 14 class this morning - to where I should have passed that reaction paper - because I had not finished the paper yet and I slept at around three in the morning, more reason to be absent since I might get too sleepy after all.) After that I will start doing my tasks for the organization that I'm applying to - UP Political Society. Oh. And it's already 21.30.

I should better grab my life back and sget going.

Maybe it's what I wanted, not what I needed.

I can't just can't tell things because I certainly don't understand what's actually happening.

I don't get it. It's way too complex and too hideous.

How can they expect me to know something that's underneath something else?

It's getting harder. And weirder. And.. And.. What else?

It's all too hard to believe. It's not another typical story.

It's something else. That's the word.

And day by day I keep on falling in but then again I'm still being a hypocrite.

But that person is what I wanted. Maybe it's not what I needed, but still. Hello.

Can't that person tell what's going on me?

I'm obsessed.

And depressed by that hopeless obsession.

And I'm still dreaming.

Or can't I be at the least saved?

This is getting to be pathetic.

I can't help it.

That person can.

But that person doesn't want to help me. God bless na lang.

Fine. That's just fine.

Indeed, that's a word of sarcasm there.

You just don't want to help me then.

I so know that and you don't have to act like you're somebody else.

You don't have to pretend that you care for me. I know what's real and I know it hurts.

And don't even pretend that you want me. Please. It's making me fall in and I want it but if it's not that real then what is it for?

But at least, can you pretend that you love me?

It's just too good to be true.

Things are odd and at the same thing good, currently.

[Of course, I'm talking again about my life. What else, right?]

It's happening again. And it's better this time.

I don't know why. Maybe that person finally got over me.

And now that person's over me, it means I'm down under.

And I'm not yet over. Not still.

Not still over simply because I keep on falling.

In and out.

Of love.

Or maybe something like that.

But it's wonderful.

It's like sunshine on a very rainy day.

Or a ray of light in an unlit room.

It's like heaven.

It's like warm chocolate on a cold day.

It's happiness.

I'm sure of it.

I'm happy whenever I'm with.

That one.

The one.

And it's just too good to be true.

Only if it is not a dream.

That will somehow someday again will fade away.

Will be shattered.

Like a glass thrown on the floor.

Like a blade stroked hardly on my chest.

Like a piercing emotion.

That kills.

No. No way. Please don't.

I just wanted to be happy. And to live my life that way.

With every word whispered we get more far away.

It hurts and it lingers.

It won't stay for long, I know.

But the more I think about it, the more it pierces my already broken self.

And I can't help it.

I just can't.

So what's the point of even blogging about it?

I just want to get it out of my chest, again.

Or maybe I just want to get that person out of one part of my chest.

I want to forget.

Or not.

I just want things to happen, certain things.

Maybe it's too much.

Or maybe it's too subtle.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Song of the day: Nothing Lasts Forever - Maroon Five.

To the other side of the world.

The more this happens, the more I'm getting convinced that I'm totally not a part of your world.

I'm not a part of your life.

I'm not a part of you.

I'm not important to you anyway.

I'm not important in any way even though you told me that you want me.

Or maybe, that was only a symptom of longing.

Now that you had your friends around again, I'm no longer part of your inner circle.

I'm no longer in that part of you where I wanted to be.

I'm no longer being used, being loved, being comforted.

I'm no longer someone you can't stand when gone.

I'm no longer catching your attention.

Then what are your brief smiles for, whenever you pass by?

What are they for when you won't even stay with me and comfort me and hug me and talk to me and make me feel better?

What are they for when I can't have you when I need you the most?

You're the only thing right now that makes me feel that better, but you're also the only one right at this very moment that makes me feel sad and suicidal.

Please come back.

Please don't be the last thing on earth that would make my life miserable.

I can't stand your absence.

Just come back, okay?

I need your company.

I need your smile.

I need your hugs.

I need your kisses.

I need your words.

I need your eyes where I can look myself into.

I need you, okay?

Because this makes me feel like I'm left alone to the other side of the world, without you.

Tell me I'm selfish, but it's you I want.

If only you could understand, then maybe I'll be alright.

Then maybe everything will be alright.

*I'll leave this up to you if you'll believe that this is real.

Thanks so much for reading, anyway.

What happens when everything in your blog site is about you?

Somebody finally follows my blogs. Wow.

Hello, Bob Zenon (whoever you are). By the way, who are you?

Okay. So at least I got one follower.

At least somebody formally pseudo-reads my blog.

And I'm hungry.

Oh, wishful thinking.

[End of post.]

Overly random.

I was hungry a few moments ago.

Then I read http://chuvaness.com and I can't find my hunger anymore.

Now that I was finished reading there, I just can't contain the need for food.

And I want to eat a lot, okay?

Last night I was craving for huge burgers and chocolate cakes.

I'm still craving for them now.

And I wonder why I keep pressing the Enter key after every sentence.

It reminds me of Brielle Shane Flores' text format.

Okay. So I suddenly wanted to buy clothes.

But why in the world should nice clothes for men be more than three-hundred pesos?

I still want the orange Soda Man shirt I kept staring at SM City North Edsa.

And oh boy, the girl beside me's eating.

Oh well.

It's just banana-cue.

And it made me wonder if there's banana-cue in the United States.

I formally declare that I am hungry.

I feel the hunger.

It lingers on my tummy, like a huge snake feeding on my insides.

What.

Now I suddenly want to earn.

First thing, I do not have a bank account.

Yeah, loser.

So with that I can't even write an essay for that research company I had passed an exam into.

And I know I can't be in there again because it had been more than six weeks.

What about six years of ignoring opportunities just because I'm lazy?

Okay.

So I might do a grand reformation of the self quite soon.

Stay tuned for that. :D

I wish.

i wish we could stay like this forever, in this illusion, in this make-believe world of you and me, because we were there, finishing the words on the last page of our story.

Rip my heart out.

Hello. I felt like I haven't blogged for ages. For the whole week, I was pseudo-enjoying wireless internet connection in malls through my phone. And due to large-byte browsing, I was unable to update my Plurk timeline. In consequence, my Plurk karma dropped from 78 something to a whopping 70.64.

Now I better start with June.

01June.

I was decaying inside my aunt's house. It was a sleep-sit-eat all day phenomenon. I suppose it was raining that day (just because it had been raining for a lot of days) and I had no choice but to stay at home (and I don't have fare money anyway) and die all along. Oh, yeah. I was oh so excited for 02June too.

02June.

D-Day. Mom and I hiked to UP Diliman to check out the dorm (and for me to check in later that day). The Office of Student Housing took too long to post the dormitory results and the respective dorm assignments for us. After hours of waiting, I found myself in Molave Residence Hall room B120. This time, my room's beside the shower [side of the comfort] room. Okay. So my room's large enough for four people. And it's not amazing at all. If there's one good word to describe it, that'd be roomy. But then, it's not that well-maintained. Full stop.

Surprisingly, my roommate (Leo Rosas) is a schoolmate of mine. So it was nice for us, since we have something in common! As you can see, I'm hopeful. Haha.

Okay. Okay. I won't tell what happened just because it's long enough. :D

03June.

First day of the traumatic enrolment. To cut the story short, all I did was to get my registration materials (Forms 5A and 5). I attempted to venture in the line for Econ 100.1/.2 but by 3 in the afternoon Janine and I gave up. (Apparently, we had our Teacher's Prerog Form being signed but it was to be taken by 3 in the afternoon. I was lining up for dorm payment then and it was raining og so hard so I dumped the idea - and maybe the idea of shifting too. Hooray, Political Science majors.) Since I'm not done with the registration yet, I stayed in the dorm almost penniless and clotheless. Thank God that I had a mother who went to the rescue.

04June.

I finished my enrolment process (without changing my POLSC 14 class and lining up for PE) with my clothes wet. Yeah. I was under my umbrella when I got wet. (And there's no typhoon. Just that damn buhawi that I haven't noticed.) So by the afternoon I went back to my aunt's house in Pasig to decay again and to spent my days (and birthday) without spending any money. Then everything changed.

05June.

My [happy] (and Thea's and MJ's and Ravi's) 17th birthday. I pseudo-celebrated it in the afternoon at Shakey's. It was definitely not the best birthday ever. Besides, I never had a good birthday. But most likely, it was the worst. At early morning, I had a big problem with a friend. Then I was flooded with birthday greetings by a lot of friends and acquaintances. Then I had another problem with another friend. Then mom and I had a quarrel (inside the mall and we were outting up quite a dramatic show there). Until night, things seemed to go worse. I hated it.

06June.

Saint Marcellin Champagnat's feast day. Now. I don't want to type anymore. XD

P.S.

I wish we could be fine, just like before - not the way you want it right now. 

When there's barely nothing to tell.

Or when I just don't want to tell something, blogging can be hard.

Lesson learned in Social Science One: 

Blogging is not a technology. It is a behavior [or an act].

Okay. Okay.

I just opened another blog site and this time, it specializes in photographs.

Yeah, yeah. Photographs.

I don't know why; it happened oh so fast.

My digital camera was not yet repaired, so I have no choice but to take photos using my N79.

I so know all along how ugly and unsatisfactory Nokia's cameras are, hoewever Carl Zeiss Vario Tessar Optics there is.

With my cell phone I'm having difficulties with the [uncontrollable] flash, [undesirable] lighting, and [odd] skin color. Since I don't know any thing about focusing yet, I don't think I had a problem with its auto focus feat.

If you wanted to view my photo blog site, just click here.

It took me too long to think of the url, though.

Week report? Nah. I'm not in for it right now. :D

Blown away by a heavy storm.

Okay. First of all, (hold your breath, guys) I failed to shift into BS Business Administration.

It was like as if I should have known about it before the start of second semester so that I could have taken Political Science 14 beforehand. It felt like a hard hit on my head.

I am not sure if I could post a week update here this time. I just am not into that mood. Apparently, I have been idle in blogging these days. I was only uninspired to type things and apparently, I just can't get the time of it. And I don't actually feel like I wanna do it so I skipped blogging first.

And failing to shift is just as depressing. What.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm floating, in the bad sense. I don't know. Everything's so odd and not right. Yeah, so perhaps I should start living with it.

I feel like I'm blown away. I don't know. It's all so sudden. It's all so unexpected. It's all so bad. And I hate it.

And I know I'm not getting anywhere so perhaps I should end here.

It's a sad world.

It's just so saddening.

I don't know why I'm trying to post such a self-depressing blog entry, though.

Lately, I've been into something. Yeah, something. I don't know. I feel odd. So odd.

I've been upset since I ate with mom at Jollibee. Of course, I won't be upset with eating a 2-piece Chickenjoy Meal. Instead, I got pissed off when I shared that my friend is enjoying summer on a beach somewhere. Then money talk went next. As you can see, dad's money is not enough - for all my wants/needs. Yeah, big sis could have a job as an accounting something in the mall but it's not even enough for her. (Remember that minimum wage is insufficient for daily family living.) And metropolis life is not that easy, financially speaking. And as everyone knew, I am NOT good in handling money. (And why have I always been wanting of being in the business scene?) I thought I'd be saving a lot of money the time I got my cute teddy bear coin bank (which was worth 300 or so pesos). It helped a bit, for I was able to control money spending for a day. Yet my allowance is allegedly not enough for me (yeah, a thousand a week is NOT enough for me) since it would turn out that I'd be opening as always the butt of that orange bear to get a few hundred-peso bills.

I so hate being this.

I wish I could earn somehow. (Advices, anyone?)

Second topic: friends.

Yeah, I know I got a problem with friends (or maybe it's just me). I don't know why but it always seems that they just don't want to keep in touch with me or so. (Okay. Bitter.) But heck, I don't know.

Okay. I'll just cut this out. I'm suddenly out of thoughts.

In return I'll give you a week recap.

Sunday, 26Apr

I spent the day at Pasig with my mom and aunt's family. Mom and I attended the Holy Mass at Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall and we shopped for my food (just loaf bread and some packed noodles) then I finally went back at the dormitory. Too bad I went back late. Obviously I wasn't able to attend the University Commencement Exercises. But then, fine. There's still next year and the years after it. By night, Angelie and I rehearsed for our practical exam for Philippine Folk Dance the next day. Nevertheless, it's just the usual Sunday routine.

Monday, 27Apr

We did not well in our practical exam. I should have known that. Then the usual summer class routine. Nothing much important.

Tuesday, 28Apr

I was unable to attend my 7 AM PE class. It was just because I slept again after I turned off the alarm. The consequence: I got no ticket for the dance forum which we were required to attend to the next day. And as a feel-good thing for that, Yanny and I finally had an achievement: to jog around the Academic Oval, after two weeks of hardcore procrastination. But then again it wasn't a jog after all. We spent most of the 6-7 PM hour sitting and lying in the slopes of the Sunken Garden. So in the end it's nothing for fitness again. By the way, I finally passed my STFAP thing. I wish it could be processed already before the regular registration for next semester starts. I made tambay at Jervis' room and watched he and Kiboy have fun (or I was having fun observing them). Ang kulit.

Wednesday, 29Apr

No PE class for today. So that's some sort of extended humiliation for sleeping again after stopping the alarm. However, we had our first exam in Social Science 1. (Isn't it the midterms season?) It was kind of fine, kind of hard, must admit. By this time I don't even care about my grade at all. At least I'm sucking all the fun out of Ma'am Chei Billedo's class. Haha. In the evening, Jervis, Dan and I went at Trinoma. Jervis planned it to be with me, Ara, and Ryan (Sigaw staff doomed for summer classes) but it turned out that it's gonna be us two only. Good thing we found Dan also on his way to the mall to buy Kiko Machine 5. Jervis' goal was to have Blizzard at Dairy Queen (which was my cravings too, for the moment) and my goal was to buy a ballpen and black modelling clay (for our presentation at Soc Sci 1 tomorrow). It was full blown fun. Fun, fun. By night again I was at Jervis' room to study for my World Literatures exam the next day, and watched them again making fun. Haha. Jervis let me borrow his book The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell. Thanks Jervis!

Thursday, 30Apr

Larissa's birthday. I was not able to greet her in person, though. And Elmer kept making pilit that I give her a rose in the name of Elmer. (And why am I speaking conyo all this time?) Everybody know how a sloth I am, so in the end I wasn't able to fulfill his wish. By afternoon was our first examination in English 12 (World Literatures) and it was indeed as good as Inferno. Fudge. It was a hell of an essay. But then again, I didn't care afterwards. All I did was to relax and let the Inferno, Odyssey, and Shakuntala leave my mind. By night I started reading Malcolm Gladwell's book but was unable to get through the introduction because I was having fun out of the boring evening with Remmond, Zola, Geri, Daren, and Sherwin at the TV Area as they were watching Slumdog Millionaire. Elmer called me (because he was subscribed to the UnliCalls Nyt Promo) and again, my milk spilled all over me. Hilarious. Fun. Fun.

Friday, 01Apr

Theresa's birthday. I managed to greet her by midnight through text. There. It was such a lazy day on which I spent on reading The Tipping Pint. By night, Yanny and I attended Mass (for no reason, actually). Then online marathon. I've got a lot of other things to do but procrastination came over again. So there.

I'mma end here. :D

I wish this would happen to me.

Pieces of me slowly tremble,

As I walk along the noisy hall

Filled with rows of persons

Running fast, opposite my way.

I can feel myself separating,

One by one,

As her sweet lips I recall

And as she laid it on me.

My fingers fell, then my ears,

Followed by my chest and my eyes,

And my knees throwed themselves

And I fell to the ground, I finally fell in love.

Life's a bore.

And for some reason, my life is just so odd since Wednesday. (And I hope that person is not reading this. No, that person won't. I hope.)

I know it's wrong, and I just can't get over it. Okay. It was just that I subscribed to the Unlitxt promo and I have no one else to text but that person. That wouldn't be wrong. It's just so damn odd that I could easily say what I feel and what I want and everything's just so real. I mean, that barrier's missing. Nothing is holding me back. What's worse, whenever I get idle, I want that person to send me a message. What the.

Okay. This just feels so wrong. Just so wrong.

Earlier I have posted about Sean's message and what's going to happen that next day, which was last Friday.

I just don't want to teach kids anymore. She was a five-year-old (and he told me she was six!) but it didn't make things better. I hated kids ever since I stepped into Pasig and met my indirect cousins. And that Friday night, they all expected me to change the world. I'm not perfect. I can't teach a five-year-old Korean girl named Da Min to learn how to read and write in English, especially that she always admits she doesn't want to learn.

"I don't want to write my name. It's tiring!" she said. I could have had punched her, but I just said, "Why? You're going to write your name forever!"

Okay. Maybe not forever at all. But hell. What would she do then? She now lives in a county where everyone is expected to be efficient in articulating a foreign language (which is English) and all that English stuff. We were supposed to be best in English. Well, that sounds just like a five-star kindergarten award.

It's just so saddening that I met that girl. She doesn't want to learn. When in the world had there been a moment that I don't want to learn? (Well, maybe a bit of hardcore math and science I wanted to forget at all, but it's not that.) It's so sad that kids nowadays (but even before) just don't want to study at all. Fine. Then don't. Just look at where we'll pick you up. Yeah, sure. Maybe she could turn up into (what was the name of Apple's owner again?) Apple's owner's story, but that would be less likely. Not everyone is destined to be Bill Gates, Henry Sy, or Fernando Zobel de Ayala. But you could always try you chance on being another Angel Locsin or Marian Rivera or, say, Pokwang on television.

What I'm saying is, why can't she just live her life and look forward and dream. She's currently chasing herself in circles, like a snake chasing it's tail which gave birth to the supposed discovery of the benzene ring.

Maybe it's just the heat of the summer sun, but I am totally loveless. Yeah, I know it's somewhat normal when it's me but I don't like the thought of staying single (and a virgin. Haha! I told Elmer about that yesterday and it was blown away.) and without someone to be with.

What I'm saying is that I want a girl friend and a best friend, as soon as I can. Well, I just want to live my life the way I want it to be. And I want it with a girl and a companion. Okay?

Fudge. This is so getting into me.